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Real stories about anger and mental health

As part of the Boiling Point campaign, the Mental Health Foundation spoke to people about their real-life experiences of anger and anger management courses. Read their stories below.

 

Simone's story 

 

“I went to get some help because it was affecting my marriage - I was arguing with my husband and I would get violent – I’d lose my temper and lash out physically. He was drinking so I’d think:

“This isn’t my fault, you’re the one who’s drinking” and then we’d have a big argument and I’d lash out.

 

Luckily he doesn’t hit me back, and that’s why I thought: “This isn’t on, I need help”, because I couldn’t help myself. It got to the point where I’d say to him “Can you leave me alone?” because I could feel myself going and I couldn’t control it.

 

I phoned the doctor and asked: “Are there any courses you can do?” It was a bit of a last resort - I couldn’t think what else to do. They said I’d have to come in and speak to the doctor, so I did. I had to wait quite a long time - I went to see the doctor in February and I didn’t get on the course until September.

 

I thought it was quite a short course for these sort of problems to cover so I didn’t learn as much as I’d wanted to, and I’d have liked more time, but even if you take one thing away then it’s good. For me one of them was learning that it’s ok to feel anger, but it’s how you deal with it that’s the answer - that was really helpful. I also learned that some things make me more angry than others – if somebody blames me and it’s not my fault that’s when I get really angry - afterwards I’d wish I could have reacted more maturely and got my point across in a different way.

 

I’ve suffered from anger for a lot of years but I just thought that’s how I am – I didn’t really realise that I had an anger problem. One of the things I said on the course was it was almost like I don’t want to change, I don’t want to get rid of my anger because I would lose the person I am - it was such a big part of me and how I expressed myself.

 

Recently I’ve got more aware about it and I’ve realised I don’t like that part of me. We went back to my childhood and had a look at where it comes from, which was quite interesting, it’s made me understand more.

 

There were only four others on the course – all men - and one guy didn’t come back after the second time - I think it’s probably harder for men, they find it harder to talk about things sometimes.

 

My husband and I did split up but we’ve now got back together and I’ve been fine – though I’m on my best behaviour. There’s only been one incident where we started bickering and I was like: “It’s all starting up again” but I went into the kitchen and just thought: “No” and did actually calm down, so that was good. Then I went back in and we started talking – there was a point he was trying to get across which was quite valid but because he’d had a drink I was getting defensive. So, I did find the course helpful, although it’s one of those ongoing things that you have to keep working at.”

 

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Steven's story

 

“From the ages of 17 to 25 I had massive aggression problems. I’d suffered from depression for a long time and I’d find it difficult to have a civil conversation with people without shouting - that was intimidating for them and made them feel uncomfortable. I remember one time I was on a bus coming home and this guy was mouthing off about mental health – my mother had always been very ill when I was young so I started getting angry and shouting back. Eventually I punched him in the face and got chucked off .

 

Another time I was having an argument with community support officers and the police had to be called and I nearly got arrested for breach of the peace. It was all because they’d stopped me riding my bike on the pavement, even though everyone goes on the pavement at that bit. I just lost my temper. I’d also start on bouncers – by the age of 23 I’d been banned from a lot of the clubs in the town where I was living.

 

Sometimes I’d go way beyond anger and feel totally wild and it would take hours afterwards to calm down. I’d cry a lot, not because of what I’d done or said but because I didn’t know how to deal with the outpouring of emotions and this was when I was very likely to self-harm. Once I ended up slitting my wrists – that’s when my GP and psychotherapist put me in the anger management programme.

 

The course was once a week for three hours, and it was about three or four months long. At first it was quite scary, there were about seven of us, aged about 19-45 and I felt like: “I don’t want to be doing this”. But we started talking about our anger and it was quite funny because each of us was like: “I can’t believe you people get so crazy about the same stupid things I do”.

 

You get to talk about what happened when you were younger and you learn to recognise emotions before you get angry – they made us write a list of all the things that made us angry and think of all the steps up to the point where we got angry and think about what the emotions were, so you can see your triggers.

 

It was difficult at first but after a while the techniques really help. It’s just a question of staying with the first emotion and rationalising it in your head and not immediately losing your temper. It also taught me how to argue with people properly – so rather than immediately calling them names or making accusations, you can say “I’m really pissed off that you’ve done this and I’m angry”. If someone’s late for something, you can ask them why rather than just thinking: “You’re always late, you ******” and immediately jumping at them. Since then I’ve lost a lot of my aggression – you have to keep practising but I don’t lose my temper very often anymore, and it was the anger management that really calmed me down, so I’d recommend it.”

 

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