A rape victim's Story.
I faced the most frightening experience of my life and relive it occasionally with flash backs of the event. I am referring to being raped, a brutal attack which has scarred me mentally for the rest of my life. It's amazing how one event can cause so much damage, with so many triggers to set of such horrific memories. Sometimes it makes me feel like ending it all, ridding myself of the moments that cause me pain and mental anguish.
It all began in the Midlands when I attempted suicide by taking an overdose of Codiene and collapsed at work, all through my girlfriend ending our relationship. I ran away to London with very little money, I thought that I would make out that I had lost money on the station and pretended to look for it. It was late at night and I began to regret running away, I suddenly felt alone and vulnerable, so many people seemed to be rushing around. I sat on a bench watching people pass by and wished I was miles away. I was approached by a man who said, "Are you lost?" to which I replied "No". He seemed quite friendly and continued to speak to me sitting close beside me, "Are you looking for somewhere to stay?" He continued. I admitted that I needed a place to stay and he led me out of the station to an awaiting car. Another man was at the driving seat he was balding, fat and ugly, wearing thick glasses, smelling like an aftershave or deodorant store. I began to feel uneasy as they seemed to be displaying some kind of odd affection for each other. One of them asked how old I was then smiled at his friend, I thought about my answer and replied "16 years old".
We arrived at a house and one of the men told me to get out, they both led me up some stairs and into an apartment, then the fat man played a record of organ music. "Do you like organ music?" he asked me, I said "No I hate it". I could see by his face that I had upset him."Well what kind of music do you like?" I replied, "Pop music, you know Slade, David Bowie, T.REX." "TREX cooking fat", the fat man said and laughed in a horrid manner. The slimmer man then gave a nod to the fat man and the fat man began playing with his belt, I turned to face the thin man and when I turned back the fat man had taken off his trousers. I was shocked but nothing could have prepared me for the events that were to follow. The thin man had produced a knife and held it to my throat, "Now be a good boy and strip he said coldly I was terrified and reluctantly obeyed him. I stood naked in the room then still at knife point was led to a bedroom, I felt really vulnerable and very afraid. I was made to bend over the bed and the fat man said "I'm first". I felt what I could only describe as a hard stabbing feeling in my anus and began to yell in pain, the ordeal seemed to last forever and I cried, and prayed for it to be over. I was then left to fall onto the floor shocked, scared and angry at this violation.
The thin man seemed remorseful, and threatened me not to tell anyone. He told me to ring my parents and asked me what I was going to tell them. I thought quickly, "I will say that you are samaritans that found me and gave me food, and sent me home". I realised that they could have killed me and I just wanted to go home to my parents. The thin man called me a taxi and gave me money to get home, I remained silent just staring at signs which would remind me of where they lived, but then I thought who would believe me. And after all it was my fault that I was there, I caused it to happen, I felt abused, guilty, shocked, I even went into denial at one stage.
When I got home the next morning, I told lies and refused to admit that I had a problem, a hidden secret that remained so for 12 years or more. I had recurring nightmares, I smelt that awful aftershave and every time I heard organ music I went cold and suicidal. I eventually had a breakdown after avoiding males at any cost and trying to keep an invisible wall around me. The nightmares intensified each time more graphic and lasting longer, I told my mother and it was like lifting a weight from my shoulders, she knew but how would she react would she blame me. NO she put her arms around me and cried with me, she was sharing my pain.
Once I had discussed it with my GP I was able to let go of my pent up feelings, express my anger and cried for a long time. Explained about the triggers and related my suicidal ideas but knew that this was just a way of releasing my pain.
I still get flash backs today, when I see films or smell aftershaves or here organ music. Sometimes I see people who look like them and try to avoid them. The rape will remain with me forever but I can now deal with it thank god.
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