I am 26 and have been what my psychiatrist termed 'a classic' manic depressive, since an episode when I was 14. (Diagnosed 10 years later as is typical). It all came to a head last year when I had to stop working for a few months altogether. I am happy that is the worst that things got. I am now living alone in Paris - I thought I deserved to live my dream, finally, and am starting afresh. It hasn't been easy but it's been fantastic! My goal is now just to be a fulfilled as possible.
I self manage very effectively and that increases my self worth if I get low. I wanted to share a few things:
- I think the most important thing I have learned to do is to accept who I am. I am no longer a perfectionnist - I almost take pride when I might the odd silly mistake now - and that has made a massive difference.
- I value my health over absolutely everything and everyone. I make sure I get the sleep I need, I eat, I keep hydrated, I control salt and sugar intake, I keep my weight constant. Without thinking too much - it's not an obsession!
- I work in a small company where my involvement really matters. It gives me a feeling of belonging with the familiarity of working in a small team. I don't feel anonymous and worthless. I work shifts because I cannot stand routine, I have all the variety I could wish for.
- I have refused promotion within the group of hotels I work for, because I am not ready. Money and status are not as important to me as this feeling of worth and belonging. My ambition is to be balanced and fulfilled. That's not to applaud the idea of giving up ambition. I am just not ambitious and I pretended I was. Perhaps if you're naturally ambitious and you pretend otherwise you feel equally 'out of sorts'.
- I have spent the last year working out, in my own time, what I want. If you don't know what your life means to you than I think it's logical you will get depressed. I travelled, and meditated etc. and yes, that's all clichéd but I feel better so who cares. (Incidentally my real self development has happened here in Paris, in building my new life, slowly. I didn't need to go all that far). This has meant a lot of time alone and taking things slowly. It's meant a lot of moderation. I have no tv. Just my books and radio, a lot less friends (but more real ones).
- Talking less improved my self esteem. At first I felt obliged to tell everyone as if they all knew and I had to justify everything. Manic depression is so difficult to describe and I don't know anyone with it. But hell, it's MY illness. Only I have to understand it. Now it's precious and private. It's my 'little bit of magic'. Now the highs are manageable I can even enjoy them and the lows are never more than a long weekend a month of melancholy. So I avoid alcohol and go to the cinema:sleep a bit more, eat regularly. I treat myself.
- I made use of counselling with a counsellor I had a rapport with. Talking about all the 'ambiguity' is very freeing. I went from feeling guilty to proud.
- I let the national debt line help me restructure my debts. I am being responsible, I am paying without it being rediculous and I am a lot more clued up on credit in general. I am sure that turning my back on my debts made me a lot worse.
- I keep an eye on excess and making sudden changes. They are destabalising for those around me and more destabilising for me than I may sometimes realise. I have learned to see the trapped feeling as a monthly blockage that I tease myself about or ignore. I ride it out and do not take flight anymore. I also recognise when I exaggerate now!
- I only ever visit the websites of recognised charities. I learned not to participate in web chats or to take advice from just anyone. The world is made up of all sorts. I do not have to listen to them all on the web as I wouldn't do in the street.
- I have stopped taking on other people's baggage. I couldn't believe how you can deteriorate because of other people and I have changed my view of relationships and what I want. I had to get better to find who I hope is the right person. If he isn't then it wasn't a waste. I no longer give 100 per cent and feel empty. I take sexual involvement much more slowly. I am happy in myself. I no longer look to someone else to do it for me.
All of this might seem to trivialise things but seeing things simply and not being overly poetic has helped a lot. I can say I've been through hell and back although it could all be a lot worse than the debts, loss of confidence in me on the part of my closest aquaintances and family and shaky episodes when I pray it won't come back.
But I know that's fatalistic. Because I am in control. And the most amazing thing is the power of positive thought!
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